When your married to a crack head, you become the master of PR. I have made more excuses than Nixon. It becomes 2nd nature to lie for your husband. I am sure that most wives have to lie for their husbands once in a while, but lying for him became a part-time job.
I've lied to bosses, relatives, friends, best friend and mostly to myself. I would have to call into work for him almost on a weekly basis. Why? Because I needed the money to keep a roof over my babies heads.
You have to explain his erratic behavior, which is no easy task. I got so sick of living the lie. Always wishing that the lies I told to the outside world were true. I wished he was sick, or the car had broke down or (my favorite) the checks were the mail.
I had a permanent gag order placed on my real life. I wasn't lying for his benifit, I was lying to protect myself. To shield me from the embarrassment, the shame and the truth that I denied to myself. How can you tell your mom that your own husband pawned the kids PS2. How do you tell your boss that you can't make it to work because the crack head took your car and hasn't been seen in 36 hrs.
When he would disappear, I always secretly hoped that he was dead. It horrible - I know it is. I was ashamed to have those feelings, but it was a fantasy for me.
I would imagine the funeral, the burial and packing up his belongings. At that time, it was easier to hope for his death, than it was to get the balls to leave. Obviously, that's why i stayed so long. I knew my marriage was over before my daughter was even born.
My son was 3 months old and I was pregnant again. Not really by choice. When he came home drunk, the sex consisted of me crying and him telling me to shut up because I was ruining the mood. He used to tell me "what are you going to do, tell them that your husband is raping you". He said I was just being dramatic. I was, because it was dramatic for me.
When I found out that I was pregnant for the 2nd time, I had to call him at the bar & to ask him to come home so we could talk. He thought I was going to tell him I was cheating on him. lol.
I found out after I divorced him, that he was cheating on me with anybody who'd let him.. I never cheated, not on him, or anyone else. I don't believe in it. But on him, I should have cheated. I could have used someone to pull me out of his grip.
I had my kids and they were my ray of light. I was working full time, pregnant with a 3 month old. I'd get up in the morning, get my son ready for daycare, get myself ready. Then drive to daycare, drop off my baby and drive to work. I'd work 8-9 hrs a day as an Executive Assistant to the President of a wonderful company in Des Plaines. I'd leave work, pick up my boy and go home. Once home, I'd get dinner ready and clean-up the house, When HE got home from the bar, job or where ever he was, that's when the fun began. He would hound me for $40 or $60 bucks. After 3 hrs of him badgering me, I'd usually give in and give him the crack money. Just so he'd leave me alone.
When the kids got older, if I wouldn't give him crack money, he'd play the kids against me. He'd walk by me and under his breath, call me Lizard skin, whore, bitch, cunt, fat pig and anything else he could think of. I would finally snap and start screaming at him. Calmly, he'd look at my 3 & 4 year old babies and say to them, "why is mommy being mean, she is being crazy". My son would say, "mommy, be nice to daddy". The head games were unbearable.
I would apologise to the kids......and HIM, just to keep the peace. If I wasn't lying for him, I was doing Damage Control. That was almost worse than lying. Well, I guess it was just more lying, only face to face lying (which was sooo much worse). Why he started a fight at his family's Sunday dinner, Why he just disappeared from our child's birthday party, people wanted to know why and it had to be believable. I just wanted to say, well, he opened a birthday card for my kid, saw the $50, made a call to Pookie (his crack dealer) and he was gone. Gone to stare out a window for a couple hours.
I have had 14 years experience in Public Relations. I wish I could add it to my resume.
Job Title Crack Head Handler
Years at job 14
Were you fired? No, I quit :}
No comments:
Post a Comment